Watch your words!

I think it is hard for me to post everyday because I always think, what do I have to write about today that will benefit others? Then my inner voice says, nothing, today was just like yesterday. This is what I decided to post about today.

We always tend to be our own worst critic, which is probably the worst kind! We are always much harder on ourselves than we need to be. Are you like this? I know I am, and I am working so hard to look past my own flaws and find my inner beauty. We all have it, inner beauty I mean! Others tend to see it, but it's hard to find in ourselves.

I look at our youth in the world and see how hard they have it. I thought I had it hard, but I know things are much worse for them. I am reminded of how my preteen years and teen were. They were tough! I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my feelings and masking how I really felt inside, but I found out recently that I didn't do such a great job. I saw a post recently from a band instructor that I was close to. She posted about words being the cause of a recent suicide of a very young adult that she new through school. I hope she doesn't mind me posting me this, it really opened my eyes.

She posted:

"Many times I felt I was going to be where the Reese family was today. Grateful and blessed I have not. No parent should ever have to bury their child. Take the time to listen to those you love. We will never understand the pain an individual is in to cause them to commit suicide. Teen years are hard for some unbearable. If I could get a message to all young people, it would be ...... Guard your w...ords... They hurt more than a knife. In 5 years it won't matter to you who you've hurt, but the ones you do, might not be here in 5 years. Reach out to the one who sits alone at lunch or walks alone in the hall. The people your trying to impress won't remember you after high school, but the one you go out of your comfort zone and popular zone to say hello to, or befriend, just might remember you forever. Which means the most?
" When you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me....."
There is a much higher power I want to be proud of me and accept me, than the "player" with the fancy car."
 

This woman is seriously amazing to me! I commented on this post:

"Thanks! I am a victim of words. I didn't show it much in high school, I can hide/mask my emotions well, but I even now have issues. I don't take compliments well, and I feel like I have to almost be perfect in everything. I am trying hard to overcome the self conscience feelings still. I always wanted to be a motivational speaker to be able to try to get youth to understand, but there again, I am terrified by what people will think of me or what I have to say. I want so much to take voice lessons and to sing for others, but one day in 7th grade when I tried and forgot all the words and ever since have been terrified to sing for people, especially solo. Kids, especially teens just don't realize or even care who they hurt. And unfortunately some people don't handle it as well as others. I'm sorry for this loss, my heart goes out to the family and friends that it has affected."

 

So now her comment to me is what really hit me. I started crying because I thought I did well at hiding things, aparantly not! She said:

"You did not mask as well as you thought you did. I knew you were hurting but you had a fight in you alot do not have too. You have so much to offer Amanda.... Beauty inside and out. Never to late to fight the battle. Bullies or words don't win unless you allow them to. Go for it..... Do something you fear.,,, for you and your beautiful babies. Teach them that the battle is always winnable.... You are a wonderful young lady....mom,.... Daughter... Don't ever let the battle that others started continue to be fought within yourself. They may have started the fight but my dear you finish it.... Love you."

 

Ok, so I still cry when I read that. She hit this whole thing right on the head! I know I am a wonderful person, I know I have so many great talents, I know I have so much to offer others, so why is it that I have such a hard time accepting that on a daily basis? I have a wonderful husband who, everyday, tells me how great I look, that my cooking is fantastic, that I do so much and keep right on going, why do I not see it?

 

I am still healing, that's why!

 

When I was 10 years old, in 5th grade, I had one friend! You might laugh and say there is no way. I look at my 10 year old son and he has lots of friends, and way too many girl friends! :) But really, I only had one friend! It wasn't because I didn't try, or because I was mean, it was because of the way I looked. How sad is that! But that is the reality! Imagine with me, since I don't have a picture to post, a 10 year old girl with long, white stringy hair, big poofy bands, clothes that weren't really in style, freckles, and these buck teeth that were huge! This was the cause of my teasing and laughter by others. Day after day I was called "doofus". My teacher at the time didn't even stop it. He just ignored it or over looked it. I would go home every day and just cry. I would tip toe around school hoping that no one would notice me so I didn't have to hear another mean name. It was horrible.

 

During this year, I under went some major dental surgery. I had to have 6 teeth removed, some baby and some permanant, to make room in my mouth for all these teeth. After that, I had headgear that I wore every night to help move my teeth. I definitely didn't want anyone to know about that.

 

Summer time was always nice because I got a break from school and the people there, but I still had church that I had to go each Sunday. I hated church, which is not the opinion you should have when you have an active family. I would go to church and go to primary and sit as far away from the other kids as I could. Some of the kids at church were some of the ones that teased me each at school, so I wanted to keep my distance.

 

By 6th grade, I was in braces, this tooth problem was getting resolved. I thought maybe the names couldn't stick anymore and they had nothing to tease me about. This school year, we were in a middle school of sorts and had many people from all over the town that I didn't know, which was to my advantage. I was able to make some new friends that year, but because of the very low self esteem that I had, I fell in with friends that made me think swearing and lying and cheating and fighting were ok. I was in trouble a few times that year. But I wasn't being teased as much anymore and I could steer clear of those that teased me the year before.

 

At one time when I was about 13, I was in a very rough spot with my self image, and thought at that time that I would be married at 18 and a smoker. I'm so glad my goals changed after that time, I would have hated that life. I think my turning point was LDS seminary! I learned so much and gained such a testimony there, that church became easier and I started knowing that the goals I had at 13 were not what I wanted out of life. I knew there was more for me than that.

 

Over the next years through high school, I involved myself in band and marching band and made many more friends there that were accepting of me. I was very good at playing the clarinet. Not so much at memorizing my marching music, but I could sit down and sight read a piece very well, it's a talent I have that I do with the piano now. I dated a lot and jumped between boyfriends quite often, trying to find that right connection that I craved. Usually this is the time when teens start experimenting with drugs and sex and different things like that. I had a strength in me and a goal during that time, that I did not want to do anything of that sort. I knew people that were getting into that and could have myself if I had wanted to. It was just not something for me.

 

I tried to convince myself that I was better than I felt inside, but then something would happen to shoot me back down. I stuggled with true happiness. I remember one day in high school, my best friend came in and told me she wanted to be depressed all day. I said ok and we went on our day. We had almost every class together, because we were best friends and did everything together. I always tried to be happy, especially around my friends, so they didn't know I had bad feelings inside. By the end of that day, my friend came up to me and said she hated me and that she couldn't be depressed because I was always so happy and laughing. That made me feel good.

 

So to sum up an extremely long story, I have always struggled with feeling a part of the crowd and wanting to fit in. I still like I need to wear the right thing and look just right in order for me to be accepted by the other women around me. I know this is the wrong type of thinking, but it is that self conscience thing in me that keeps me on guard about my feelings at all times. That's why I haven't done a lot of the things I want to. I don't want to start something and become embarrassed when I fail, or do the wrong thing. What a way to live, right?

 

I am trying everyday, and some days are better than others. Some days I feel beautiful even though my hair isn't done and I don't have make up on. Some  days I accomplish so much and have such a feeling of self worth and know I can do anything. Some days my kids accomplish something and I cry because I am so proud of their accomplishment, which makes me feel like a wonderful mom. Some days, some one I don't even know that well, will say that I was brought to them and how glad they are for that, and that I am answer to prayers.

 

I do truely love my life, my family, the dear friends that have been brought to me throughout my life, and especially now, and I love my Savior! He has always been there for me. He has been the one to keep me going when I have thought life would be better if I weren't around. Thank you for reading my story. I hope you will take it to heart, whether you are 10 or 40 and remember that words, whether we think are meant to hurt or not, may be a snapping point for someone and to speak with love and kindness and help to lift and love others. My hope is that this may touch some young person struggling and looking for answers.

 

You are welcome to comment with any questions or thoughts. May the Lord inspire and be with you!