So I finally made a couple of beautiful loaves of whole wheat bread, with a lot of help from a dear sister in my ward who is a pro at bread making. I don't know what it is, I can make quick breads really easy and muffins and cookies and any other type of treats and especially meals, I can make no problem, I just seem to have an issue with bread. But this sister came over with her own fresh ground wheat and we figured out that we needed to start with less. So we did a half recipe, which made 2 big loaves and it turned out just beautiful! It even tastes wonderful!
So I learned yesterday how to make bread in my Kitchenaid mixer, so I plan to continue to make more! No more bread with high fructose corn syrup, and for so much less than store bought bread!
I also learned, that I DO need new wheat! I am almost to the bottom of one bucket that I have been working on for a while, so decided to check out one of the other 8 buckets in the basement and when I opened it, it was full of little worms and yucky stuck. It made me so sad to think I have been relying on all this wheat that is just full of yucky stuff. It was really weird though. So I will look through the other buckets and see if I have the same problem there and then we might be taking buckets of wheat to my mom and dad to feed to the chickens.
On a much better note, I found a Valentine's recipe in the "Relish" section of the weekly paper that I wanted to try. I love this section of the paper. It comes sometime during the week and has some very yummy recipes! This particular one that I made is Marbeled red velvet Cheesecake brownies. Oh my heavens, they are to die for! They were pretty easy to make. The only thing I was thrilled about was the tablespoon of red food coloring that goes into it, but that's how you make red velvet cake. I used all my red food coloring to get that much.
The recipe for these can found here. Wouldn't it just be so great to have a recipe recognized by a magazine or even an insert in the paper? That would be so heaven for me! I have actually considered publishing a cookbook. I have so many original recipes and so many more that I can come up with! Anyone know how to get that going? I need to type them all up and at least put them in a binder so they are out of my head and on paper where I can share them with others. Oh to be the next Racheal Ray! I love to watch her cook, she inspires me. But I don't think I could do a cooking show. There is still so much I don't know and need to learn about cooking. But to have a dream is a great thing!
Happy day to you all! Happy cooking!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Creamy Chicken/turkey wild rice soup
What a weekend! Mike took our oldest son and went ice fishing with his brother, so I stayed home with sick kids that were running a fever, and coughing. So since I was home and needed some bread, I decided to try my hand again at making bread, which turned out to be the most awful bread I have ever made! I try to make healthy things for my family and a lot of times I don't succeed, which gets so frustrating! I did, however, make some tomato basil bread that is so very yummy and turned out fabulous, so I feel I did ok.
I decided to make soup dinner, since I love soup when it's cold out. This is paired with my tomato basil bread, it was so very yummy. Here is what I did to make creamy turkey and wild rice soup, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
Creamy chicken/turkey and wild rice soup
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup, or more, flour
4 cups chicken stock (4 cups water, 5 tsp. chicken bouillion)
4 cups milk
1 pkg. Uncle Ben's long grain and wild rice with seasonings microwave pouch
2 cups cooked, dicked chicken or turkey
In large pot melt butter on medium high heat. Add flour and whisk to blend. Cook flour and butter a little. Gradually add chicken stock. Whisk and stir until thickens. Gradually add milk and continue to stir until thickens to desired thickness (may need to add some extra flour mixed with water to help to thicken more). While this is thickening, chop and cook chicken on chop precooked chicken or turkey and set aside. Heat the rice pouch according to directions to heat through. When soup is thickened to desired thickness, add rice and chicken/turkey and heat through for a few minutes. Serve warm with bread or crackers.
I received a pot of soup similar to this from a dear friend, which was very good, which I think was cream of chicken soup with wild rice added. It was very yummy, but I thought maybe I could come up with my own rendition, which I did.
This recipe is just a basic recipe. You can also add any thing else to it that you like, celery, carrots, potatoes, whatever you fancy. For this particular meal, I had some left over smoked turkey from Thanksgiving in my freezer that I pulled out and chopped up, so very flavorful turkey I think this soup particularly good. I also don't buy chicken stock from the store, I make it when I can, but that isn't very often, so I just use water and then Knorr chicken bouillion, which I think has the best spices and seasonings in it. It is my favorite. So other than the chicken bouillion, there is not any added salt in this recipe either, and it didn't need it! It was so yummy just the way it was. Definitely one of the best soups I have ever made! Hope you enjoy it too! Happy cooking!
I decided to make soup dinner, since I love soup when it's cold out. This is paired with my tomato basil bread, it was so very yummy. Here is what I did to make creamy turkey and wild rice soup, I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!
Creamy chicken/turkey and wild rice soup
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup, or more, flour
4 cups chicken stock (4 cups water, 5 tsp. chicken bouillion)
4 cups milk
1 pkg. Uncle Ben's long grain and wild rice with seasonings microwave pouch
2 cups cooked, dicked chicken or turkey
In large pot melt butter on medium high heat. Add flour and whisk to blend. Cook flour and butter a little. Gradually add chicken stock. Whisk and stir until thickens. Gradually add milk and continue to stir until thickens to desired thickness (may need to add some extra flour mixed with water to help to thicken more). While this is thickening, chop and cook chicken on chop precooked chicken or turkey and set aside. Heat the rice pouch according to directions to heat through. When soup is thickened to desired thickness, add rice and chicken/turkey and heat through for a few minutes. Serve warm with bread or crackers.
I received a pot of soup similar to this from a dear friend, which was very good, which I think was cream of chicken soup with wild rice added. It was very yummy, but I thought maybe I could come up with my own rendition, which I did.
This recipe is just a basic recipe. You can also add any thing else to it that you like, celery, carrots, potatoes, whatever you fancy. For this particular meal, I had some left over smoked turkey from Thanksgiving in my freezer that I pulled out and chopped up, so very flavorful turkey I think this soup particularly good. I also don't buy chicken stock from the store, I make it when I can, but that isn't very often, so I just use water and then Knorr chicken bouillion, which I think has the best spices and seasonings in it. It is my favorite. So other than the chicken bouillion, there is not any added salt in this recipe either, and it didn't need it! It was so yummy just the way it was. Definitely one of the best soups I have ever made! Hope you enjoy it too! Happy cooking!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Goal update time!!
As you probably know by now, I love to cook and bake almost anything! The one thing I don't really like to bake is bread. It takes so much time to grind the wheat, because we like wheat, mix it all together, knead, let rise, and bake. Boy I sound like the little red hen, with no one to help me, but everyone willing to eat it. Haha! Anyway, I don't make bread all that often because it rarely turns out the way I would like it to. My husband even bought the big commercial grade 1 pound pans so I could make big loaves and do this every week so I am not buying bread with all sorts of yuck in them. I hate to say it, but I have only used those pans a couple of times. So I decided this week I wanted to make bread since I used the last of the store bought bread in my freezer and I am out of money until next week for groceries. So being the good little homemaker I am, I decided to make a couple loaves of bread for the week.
I looked through my recipes to try to find one that was easy. I ground lots of wheat for flour, and got my recipe ready. I have one that I got from a relief society activity years ago that was easy, with no kneading and it didn't have to rise long. So I made it up, but read the recipe wrong and let it rise in the bowl, then put it in the pans. Baked for 30 minutes, it came out so heavy and hard! So I decided to try again and read the recipe right this time and put it in the pans first, then let it rise, but even doing it that way, it was still heavy like a brick. The only thing I can figure is that it is my wheat, or using straight red wheat instead of white wheat is what makes the difference, I don't know. So I learned to make sure you read the recipe right, otherwise your bread turns out awful, but sometimes, even when you do read the recipe right, it doesn't always turn out.
This is when I get really frustrated and have a hard time making bread. My husband makes awesome bread, he does french bread and bagettes that are so good. I did come across a bread recipe that I made that turned out very good! I just happened to catch on one of tv channels here when I was trying to find something for the kids to watch. I made it and it turned out good, and was so very yummy! It is tomato basil bread, it is a yeast bread, but not a traditional double rise thing and it can be made in 1 hour, unlike other yeast breads.The recipe for this can be found here. I'm sure you can make other types of breads with this recipe to. Enjoy this, it is very good with spaghetti or a casserole.
As you probably know by now, I love to cook and bake almost anything! The one thing I don't really like to bake is bread. It takes so much time to grind the wheat, because we like wheat, mix it all together, knead, let rise, and bake. Boy I sound like the little red hen, with no one to help me, but everyone willing to eat it. Haha! Anyway, I don't make bread all that often because it rarely turns out the way I would like it to. My husband even bought the big commercial grade 1 pound pans so I could make big loaves and do this every week so I am not buying bread with all sorts of yuck in them. I hate to say it, but I have only used those pans a couple of times. So I decided this week I wanted to make bread since I used the last of the store bought bread in my freezer and I am out of money until next week for groceries. So being the good little homemaker I am, I decided to make a couple loaves of bread for the week.
I looked through my recipes to try to find one that was easy. I ground lots of wheat for flour, and got my recipe ready. I have one that I got from a relief society activity years ago that was easy, with no kneading and it didn't have to rise long. So I made it up, but read the recipe wrong and let it rise in the bowl, then put it in the pans. Baked for 30 minutes, it came out so heavy and hard! So I decided to try again and read the recipe right this time and put it in the pans first, then let it rise, but even doing it that way, it was still heavy like a brick. The only thing I can figure is that it is my wheat, or using straight red wheat instead of white wheat is what makes the difference, I don't know. So I learned to make sure you read the recipe right, otherwise your bread turns out awful, but sometimes, even when you do read the recipe right, it doesn't always turn out.
This is when I get really frustrated and have a hard time making bread. My husband makes awesome bread, he does french bread and bagettes that are so good. I did come across a bread recipe that I made that turned out very good! I just happened to catch on one of tv channels here when I was trying to find something for the kids to watch. I made it and it turned out good, and was so very yummy! It is tomato basil bread, it is a yeast bread, but not a traditional double rise thing and it can be made in 1 hour, unlike other yeast breads.The recipe for this can be found here. I'm sure you can make other types of breads with this recipe to. Enjoy this, it is very good with spaghetti or a casserole.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Yesterday I set a goal to learn something new every day. I didn't realize just how difficult this might be. There is 24 hours in a day, where I am awake about 16 hours of that, you'd think that would plenty of time to learn something new, right? Well, time just gets away from me most days and before I know it, it's time to go to bed and I haven't accomplished anything I was planning on. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?
Well, I did sort of learn something yesterday...In starting to get our taxes ready to be done, I have been adding up medical bills, gathering all the documents from mortgage and property taxes and then adding up all my business expenses and earnings, it's a huge job. So I learned, numbers are not my strong suit! I've always known this, but I do pretty well with all the day to day things that involve numbers and even having to figure discounts on products and things, I've done ok, but when I sit down to add up the final figures, I just get nervous and then hope that it all goes well at tax time and that we don't end up owing the government more taxes. So this is something I need to constantly work on, number figures and being able to add and subtract each thing that I need to to get the right answer. After seeing some of the homework my kids bring home, I might want to consider taking a basic math class sometime, just so I can help them when they have questions. It's just all crazy.
Now that you have an update on what I am learning, here is a yummy recipe that I make quite often. I think I found it on the ALL recipes app, but I have tweaked it quite a bit for my needs and tastes, so now I consider it my own. These are very yummy muffins that I double or quadruple to put in the freezer for my husband to take to work or my kids to eat in the morning. We just pop them in the microwave for 30 secs or less and they taste like they just came out of the oven. So here you are:
Banana chocolate chip muffins
1 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup white flour
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1 egg
1/4 cup oil
1/4 applesauce
1/2 plain yogurt (or sour cream)
1 tsp. vanilla
2 bananas, mashed
3/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
In large bowl, combine flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt, whisk together. In another bowl, combine egg, oil, applesauce, yogurt, vanilla and mashed bananas. Stir into dry ingredients until just moistened. Fold in chocolate chips. Put in greased muffin cups and bake at 350* 12-18 minutes.
Baking time may vary. My regular size muffins cook in 12-15 minutes, but I think my oven cooks a little hotter. Also, I started using whole wheat flour to help make things more healthy and this four will fill you up more than white flour will, but to use all whole wheat, I think, would be really heavy. I have also made these with walnuts instead of chocolate chips. These muffins are pretty moist! the combination of a little oil, a little applesauce and some yogurt just makes these so yummy as well. I hope you like them as much as my family does! Happy Baking!!
Well, I did sort of learn something yesterday...In starting to get our taxes ready to be done, I have been adding up medical bills, gathering all the documents from mortgage and property taxes and then adding up all my business expenses and earnings, it's a huge job. So I learned, numbers are not my strong suit! I've always known this, but I do pretty well with all the day to day things that involve numbers and even having to figure discounts on products and things, I've done ok, but when I sit down to add up the final figures, I just get nervous and then hope that it all goes well at tax time and that we don't end up owing the government more taxes. So this is something I need to constantly work on, number figures and being able to add and subtract each thing that I need to to get the right answer. After seeing some of the homework my kids bring home, I might want to consider taking a basic math class sometime, just so I can help them when they have questions. It's just all crazy.
Now that you have an update on what I am learning, here is a yummy recipe that I make quite often. I think I found it on the ALL recipes app, but I have tweaked it quite a bit for my needs and tastes, so now I consider it my own. These are very yummy muffins that I double or quadruple to put in the freezer for my husband to take to work or my kids to eat in the morning. We just pop them in the microwave for 30 secs or less and they taste like they just came out of the oven. So here you are:
Banana chocolate chip muffins
1 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cup white flour
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1 egg
1/4 cup oil
1/4 applesauce
1/2 plain yogurt (or sour cream)
1 tsp. vanilla
2 bananas, mashed
3/4 cup semi sweet chocolate chips
In large bowl, combine flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt, whisk together. In another bowl, combine egg, oil, applesauce, yogurt, vanilla and mashed bananas. Stir into dry ingredients until just moistened. Fold in chocolate chips. Put in greased muffin cups and bake at 350* 12-18 minutes.
Baking time may vary. My regular size muffins cook in 12-15 minutes, but I think my oven cooks a little hotter. Also, I started using whole wheat flour to help make things more healthy and this four will fill you up more than white flour will, but to use all whole wheat, I think, would be really heavy. I have also made these with walnuts instead of chocolate chips. These muffins are pretty moist! the combination of a little oil, a little applesauce and some yogurt just makes these so yummy as well. I hope you like them as much as my family does! Happy Baking!!
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuna and Toast
Ok, so I know I have complained a lot in the past about my weight and not being the "right" size or not fitting into clothes. Well, I am really working hard to change my thinking from so negative to more positive. I have been working
on positive thinking and being accepting of myself in the moment.
No I am not the most positive thinker, especially when I put on a pair of pants and realize just how big my thighs are, when I can't really keep them up. But I just think, I need to work on tonig muscles and maybe even get rid of these jeans and find a pair of pants that are more straight leg than boot cut that hugs my thighs more. I have this little muffin top too. Yeah, I don't like to exercise, so it seems to hang over my pants a little. Although I did notice yesterday that my muffin top is starting to go away. I have been doing pilates about 4 times a week for the last two weeks and I am starting to notice it is toning my muscles and getting rid of the bulge. I even put on a pair of pants I got for Christmas that was a little snug at Christmas that didn't fit after I washed them, and they actually fit! I got them on and got them buttoned up, which I couldn't do a month ago. So as you can see, I have been very pleased with myslef and what little I have been doing.
Anyway, now that you know about my weight journey this year so far, I want to share with you what we had for dinner last night. It's probably not the best meal, or best for you, but it one from my childhood that I loved. It is tuna and toast. It is very easy with not many ingredients and it's just yummy, as long as you like tuna. So here you go:
Tuna and toast
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup flour
4 cups milk
3 cans tuna
marjoram
thyme
oregano
as many slices of toast as desired
Melt butter in skillet. Add flour and whisk. Let cook a little to thicken some. Gradually add milk stirring as you go. Continue to stir over med/high heat until thickened to your desired thickness Add drained tuna and spices and let heat through a few minutes. Serve over toast.
Now this is a big recipe that I use for my family of 7, you can always cut it in half if you need to. Also, when cooking I use powdered milk. I try to always have some milk made up in my fridge and that's what I use. Sometimes it doesn't thicken quite as well as regular milk in white sauces, so last night I opted to use just 3 cups of milk instead of 4 and it thickened great, I probably could have used a little more milk, but it still worked out fine. For my spices, I just shake them on until I think it looks good. It probably ended up being 1/4 tsp to 1/2 tsp of each, but use whichever ones you want and however much you want. Sometimes I will also add peas right in the sauce, but last night we had them on the side.
This is something that I make when I can't think of anything else to make, since I always have tuna on hand and it is so easy to make. We love it, and with the spices it just adds more flavor and help to mask the tuna flavor, not that I don't love tuna! Happy cooking!
*Have a recipe for me to try or to revamp for you? Comment below, I love trying new things and making things so much better and more healthy! I will share with you my more healthy version of banana chocolate chip muffins soon, so look forward to that!
on positive thinking and being accepting of myself in the moment.
No I am not the most positive thinker, especially when I put on a pair of pants and realize just how big my thighs are, when I can't really keep them up. But I just think, I need to work on tonig muscles and maybe even get rid of these jeans and find a pair of pants that are more straight leg than boot cut that hugs my thighs more. I have this little muffin top too. Yeah, I don't like to exercise, so it seems to hang over my pants a little. Although I did notice yesterday that my muffin top is starting to go away. I have been doing pilates about 4 times a week for the last two weeks and I am starting to notice it is toning my muscles and getting rid of the bulge. I even put on a pair of pants I got for Christmas that was a little snug at Christmas that didn't fit after I washed them, and they actually fit! I got them on and got them buttoned up, which I couldn't do a month ago. So as you can see, I have been very pleased with myslef and what little I have been doing.
Anyway, now that you know about my weight journey this year so far, I want to share with you what we had for dinner last night. It's probably not the best meal, or best for you, but it one from my childhood that I loved. It is tuna and toast. It is very easy with not many ingredients and it's just yummy, as long as you like tuna. So here you go:
Tuna and toast
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup flour
4 cups milk
3 cans tuna
marjoram
thyme
oregano
as many slices of toast as desired
Melt butter in skillet. Add flour and whisk. Let cook a little to thicken some. Gradually add milk stirring as you go. Continue to stir over med/high heat until thickened to your desired thickness Add drained tuna and spices and let heat through a few minutes. Serve over toast.
Now this is a big recipe that I use for my family of 7, you can always cut it in half if you need to. Also, when cooking I use powdered milk. I try to always have some milk made up in my fridge and that's what I use. Sometimes it doesn't thicken quite as well as regular milk in white sauces, so last night I opted to use just 3 cups of milk instead of 4 and it thickened great, I probably could have used a little more milk, but it still worked out fine. For my spices, I just shake them on until I think it looks good. It probably ended up being 1/4 tsp to 1/2 tsp of each, but use whichever ones you want and however much you want. Sometimes I will also add peas right in the sauce, but last night we had them on the side.
This is something that I make when I can't think of anything else to make, since I always have tuna on hand and it is so easy to make. We love it, and with the spices it just adds more flavor and help to mask the tuna flavor, not that I don't love tuna! Happy cooking!
*Have a recipe for me to try or to revamp for you? Comment below, I love trying new things and making things so much better and more healthy! I will share with you my more healthy version of banana chocolate chip muffins soon, so look forward to that!
My new goal!
So I have wanted to for a while now, but just haven't started, so I will start this week...I want to learn something new every day! It doesn't matter what it is, I just want to grow in knowledge and understanding! Wether it is a new understanding on a scripture, a new recipe, a new tid bit of information, a new crochet stitch or new pattern, whatever it is, I want to learn it!
So to start off today, I want to share what I have learned so far this week:
Monday Feb. 4: I learned some new ways to use Thieves essential oil and now I using it in more ways than I thought I could.
Tuesday Feb. 5: I learned that the milk I bought (Hy-Top brand from Winco) does not contain rBST hormone, yay!
So what should I learn today? I have a new pattern for crcheted snowflakes, maybe I will learn how to do those today, or maybe I will research more about oils and start a list of the new ones that I want to order. Who knows, it could be anything! So I will share with you tomorrow what I learn today.
Set a goal for yourself and see how far you can go with it.
So to start off today, I want to share what I have learned so far this week:
Monday Feb. 4: I learned some new ways to use Thieves essential oil and now I using it in more ways than I thought I could.
Tuesday Feb. 5: I learned that the milk I bought (Hy-Top brand from Winco) does not contain rBST hormone, yay!
So what should I learn today? I have a new pattern for crcheted snowflakes, maybe I will learn how to do those today, or maybe I will research more about oils and start a list of the new ones that I want to order. Who knows, it could be anything! So I will share with you tomorrow what I learn today.
Set a goal for yourself and see how far you can go with it.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Watch your words!
I think it is hard for me to post everyday because I always think, what do I have to write about today that will benefit others? Then my inner voice says, nothing, today was just like yesterday. This is what I decided to post about today.
We always tend to be our own worst critic, which is probably the worst kind! We are always much harder on ourselves than we need to be. Are you like this? I know I am, and I am working so hard to look past my own flaws and find my inner beauty. We all have it, inner beauty I mean! Others tend to see it, but it's hard to find in ourselves.
I look at our youth in the world and see how hard they have it. I thought I had it hard, but I know things are much worse for them. I am reminded of how my preteen years and teen were. They were tough! I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my feelings and masking how I really felt inside, but I found out recently that I didn't do such a great job. I saw a post recently from a band instructor that I was close to. She posted about words being the cause of a recent suicide of a very young adult that she new through school. I hope she doesn't mind me posting me this, it really opened my eyes.
She posted:
We always tend to be our own worst critic, which is probably the worst kind! We are always much harder on ourselves than we need to be. Are you like this? I know I am, and I am working so hard to look past my own flaws and find my inner beauty. We all have it, inner beauty I mean! Others tend to see it, but it's hard to find in ourselves.
I look at our youth in the world and see how hard they have it. I thought I had it hard, but I know things are much worse for them. I am reminded of how my preteen years and teen were. They were tough! I thought I did a pretty good job of hiding my feelings and masking how I really felt inside, but I found out recently that I didn't do such a great job. I saw a post recently from a band instructor that I was close to. She posted about words being the cause of a recent suicide of a very young adult that she new through school. I hope she doesn't mind me posting me this, it really opened my eyes.
She posted:
"Many times I felt I was going to be where the Reese family was today. Grateful and blessed I have not. No parent should ever have to bury their child. Take the time to listen to those you love. We will never understand the pain an individual is in to cause them to commit suicide. Teen years are hard for some unbearable. If I could get a message to all young people, it would be ...... Guard your w...ords... They hurt more than a knife. In 5 years it won't matter to you who you've hurt, but the ones you do, might not be here in 5 years. Reach out to the one who sits alone at lunch or walks alone in the hall. The people your trying to impress won't remember you after high school, but the one you go out of your comfort zone and popular zone to say hello to, or befriend, just might remember you forever. Which means the most?
" When you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me....."
There is a much higher power I want to be proud of me and accept me, than the "player" with the fancy car."
" When you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me....."
There is a much higher power I want to be proud of me and accept me, than the "player" with the fancy car."
This woman is seriously amazing to me! I commented on this post:
"Thanks! I am a victim of words. I didn't show it much in high school, I can hide/mask my emotions well, but I even now have issues. I don't take compliments well, and I feel like I have to almost be perfect in everything. I am trying hard to overcome the self conscience feelings still. I always wanted to be a motivational speaker to be able to try to get youth to understand, but there again, I am terrified by what people will think of me or what I have to say. I want so much to take voice lessons and to sing for others, but one day in 7th grade when I tried and forgot all the words and ever since have been terrified to sing for people, especially solo. Kids, especially teens just don't realize or even care who they hurt. And unfortunately some people don't handle it as well as others. I'm sorry for this loss, my heart goes out to the family and friends that it has affected."
So now her comment to me is what really hit me. I started crying because I thought I did well at hiding things, aparantly not! She said:
"You did not mask as well as you thought you did. I knew you were hurting but you had a fight in you alot do not have too. You have so much to offer Amanda.... Beauty inside and out. Never to late to fight the battle. Bullies or words don't win unless you allow them to. Go for it..... Do something you fear.,,, for you and your beautiful babies. Teach them that the battle is always winnable.... You are a wonderful young lady....mom,.... Daughter... Don't ever let the battle that others started continue to be fought within yourself. They may have started the fight but my dear you finish it.... Love you."
Ok, so I still cry when I read that. She hit this whole thing right on the head! I know I am a wonderful person, I know I have so many great talents, I know I have so much to offer others, so why is it that I have such a hard time accepting that on a daily basis? I have a wonderful husband who, everyday, tells me how great I look, that my cooking is fantastic, that I do so much and keep right on going, why do I not see it?
I am still healing, that's why!
When I was 10 years old, in 5th grade, I had one friend! You might laugh and say there is no way. I look at my 10 year old son and he has lots of friends, and way too many girl friends! :) But really, I only had one friend! It wasn't because I didn't try, or because I was mean, it was because of the way I looked. How sad is that! But that is the reality! Imagine with me, since I don't have a picture to post, a 10 year old girl with long, white stringy hair, big poofy bands, clothes that weren't really in style, freckles, and these buck teeth that were huge! This was the cause of my teasing and laughter by others. Day after day I was called "doofus". My teacher at the time didn't even stop it. He just ignored it or over looked it. I would go home every day and just cry. I would tip toe around school hoping that no one would notice me so I didn't have to hear another mean name. It was horrible.
During this year, I under went some major dental surgery. I had to have 6 teeth removed, some baby and some permanant, to make room in my mouth for all these teeth. After that, I had headgear that I wore every night to help move my teeth. I definitely didn't want anyone to know about that.
Summer time was always nice because I got a break from school and the people there, but I still had church that I had to go each Sunday. I hated church, which is not the opinion you should have when you have an active family. I would go to church and go to primary and sit as far away from the other kids as I could. Some of the kids at church were some of the ones that teased me each at school, so I wanted to keep my distance.
By 6th grade, I was in braces, this tooth problem was getting resolved. I thought maybe the names couldn't stick anymore and they had nothing to tease me about. This school year, we were in a middle school of sorts and had many people from all over the town that I didn't know, which was to my advantage. I was able to make some new friends that year, but because of the very low self esteem that I had, I fell in with friends that made me think swearing and lying and cheating and fighting were ok. I was in trouble a few times that year. But I wasn't being teased as much anymore and I could steer clear of those that teased me the year before.
At one time when I was about 13, I was in a very rough spot with my self image, and thought at that time that I would be married at 18 and a smoker. I'm so glad my goals changed after that time, I would have hated that life. I think my turning point was LDS seminary! I learned so much and gained such a testimony there, that church became easier and I started knowing that the goals I had at 13 were not what I wanted out of life. I knew there was more for me than that.
Over the next years through high school, I involved myself in band and marching band and made many more friends there that were accepting of me. I was very good at playing the clarinet. Not so much at memorizing my marching music, but I could sit down and sight read a piece very well, it's a talent I have that I do with the piano now. I dated a lot and jumped between boyfriends quite often, trying to find that right connection that I craved. Usually this is the time when teens start experimenting with drugs and sex and different things like that. I had a strength in me and a goal during that time, that I did not want to do anything of that sort. I knew people that were getting into that and could have myself if I had wanted to. It was just not something for me.
I tried to convince myself that I was better than I felt inside, but then something would happen to shoot me back down. I stuggled with true happiness. I remember one day in high school, my best friend came in and told me she wanted to be depressed all day. I said ok and we went on our day. We had almost every class together, because we were best friends and did everything together. I always tried to be happy, especially around my friends, so they didn't know I had bad feelings inside. By the end of that day, my friend came up to me and said she hated me and that she couldn't be depressed because I was always so happy and laughing. That made me feel good.
So to sum up an extremely long story, I have always struggled with feeling a part of the crowd and wanting to fit in. I still like I need to wear the right thing and look just right in order for me to be accepted by the other women around me. I know this is the wrong type of thinking, but it is that self conscience thing in me that keeps me on guard about my feelings at all times. That's why I haven't done a lot of the things I want to. I don't want to start something and become embarrassed when I fail, or do the wrong thing. What a way to live, right?
I am trying everyday, and some days are better than others. Some days I feel beautiful even though my hair isn't done and I don't have make up on. Some days I accomplish so much and have such a feeling of self worth and know I can do anything. Some days my kids accomplish something and I cry because I am so proud of their accomplishment, which makes me feel like a wonderful mom. Some days, some one I don't even know that well, will say that I was brought to them and how glad they are for that, and that I am answer to prayers.
I do truely love my life, my family, the dear friends that have been brought to me throughout my life, and especially now, and I love my Savior! He has always been there for me. He has been the one to keep me going when I have thought life would be better if I weren't around. Thank you for reading my story. I hope you will take it to heart, whether you are 10 or 40 and remember that words, whether we think are meant to hurt or not, may be a snapping point for someone and to speak with love and kindness and help to lift and love others. My hope is that this may touch some young person struggling and looking for answers.
You are welcome to comment with any questions or thoughts. May the Lord inspire and be with you!
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